Dead School

!!!Spoiler Warning!!! If you haven’t read this book yet, I give away some key spoilers!

Dead School

by Laura Gia West

I received a complimentary copy of this book through NetGalley. Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.

Ever wonder what happens when you die?

No.
Just no.
Unfortunately, this book isn’t really very good. And I’m gonna tell you why.
First of all, let me say that the premise is fine. I was looking forward to reading a book in which the main character dies and then has to join a school of the dead.
I was excited, dammit!
It’s a shame that the writing was so very disappointing.

I DNF’d this book pretty early on, about 20% of the way through, but in that time I’ve still manged to got a plethora of things to be unhappy about. Let me explain what I’m talking about.
The book begins in the family car where Tina, her mom and dad, and their family cat are heading towards a restaurant. Yep, you heard that right. Apparently, Tina is such a colossal loser, that every Valentine’s Day, the family head out to dine with their cat instead of harboring any mistaken fantasies that Tina might have something else to do. Okay, fine. Dinner with the cat. Let’s carry on.
Who could forget a cat dining at a table? 
Halfway there Tina suddenly starts saying that she wants to go back to school RIGHT NOW, because they’re having a talent contest we’ve literally just heard about. Her dad is so shocked by her outburst that he nearly swerves the car into oncoming traffic.
It’s a shame that didn’t kill her, to be honest.
Her dad comes out with perhaps the lamest (and weirdest) argument to stay on track for the restaurant— Valentine’s with your family, or back to school for a show that will never make those kids any less ignorant. Once a kumquat, always a kumquat.—But then gives in and changes course.

Okay, so we arrive at the school where it’s immediately obvious that Tina is bullied pretty badly. This is overshadowed by the fact that Tina has unpleasant personal remarks about literally everyone she encounters. She refers to one of her bullies as fat jerk and later on in the book she remarks incessantly about the way someone smells. Try this quote for example— If smell could kill, I just might die again. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, let alone someone who expelled fish farts up my nostrils. 
I hate bullying in books. It totally triggers me and I usually don’t read on, but in this case I’ve got to say, maybe Tina kind of deserved it? She’s basically a bit of a bully herself with all her vicious comments.
Anyway, she races off to enter the talent contest where she’s going to be singing. Something we didn’t know she was capable of until exactly this moment! Okay. Fine. Whatever.
She goes out on stage after a few stage fright jitters and then manages to belt out a song that is so beautiful that even her bullies applaud her when she’s finished. *sarcasm* Oh my god! This is going to change her life! She’s bound to be spotted by one of the talent hunters hiding in the audience. Amazing! *retching noises*
We’re still basking in the glow of a job well done when one of the stage hangings—a big cardboard, or whatever it’s made of, Valentine’s heart—falls on Tina and kills her outright. Oh, yeah. That’s right. Killed by a prop! Call the papers ‘cos this shit is unbelievable!

Then Tina wakes up outside her parents house and tries to get inside to her mom and dad. First she knocks on the door. I mean, who knocks on the door to their own house? Why doesn’t she just try, I don’t know, opening the door instead? But no, she knocks. No answer. She yells at her mom through the window, being just rude enough to remind me that I’m glad she’s dead, and gets no reply. Her mom doesn’t seem to be in mourning at all, so maybe they’re just glad to be rid of her?
Then this bus pulls up and the driver tells her he’s taking her to Dead School. Okay, you say, it must pick up a bit from here, right?
You would be wrong.

At the school Tina is informed that she failed at life, which means she didn’t find anyone to love. Apparently, lives are measured in the amount of human (not cat) interactions you make.— A cat, Tina, is not a human. A life path is defined by human interaction. —Well, I guess most of us fail life then, right? It seems like a great way to alienate most of your target audience, to be honest. You don’t talk to people to much? You fail at life. You’ve never been in love? You fail at life. You only love your pets? You definitely fail at life.
What the hell?

This is the point where I pretty much gave it up as a bad job, but I did flick forward to the ending , and let me tell you, it’s not a great one. Basically it all ends up with a ‘here we go again’ vibe.
Please, god, no. Not again.
Let me tell you a few of the other things I hated:
(1) There was a reference to a real allergy to stupidity. Tina even started sneezing. I mean, what? We’re all allergic to fools, but if it was a real condition this book would have taken me into anaphylactic shock. I sneezed behind the curtain as my allergies to stupidity started to flare up again. 
(2) This quote— Holy sh%t! —What does this mean exactly? I’m sure you’re imagining that the percentage sign was used to mask a naughty swear word, right? Well, here’s the thing. There are other swear words in the book that haven’t been censored. Do we really need to do this? Does it mean shit, or shoot? How do you pronounce a percentage sign in the middle of a word? I cannot hate on this enough. If the word shit is too sensitive for you, please just use a different word!
(3) There are more punctuation issues than I would like in a book, but this is a minor grievance compared to everything else.
(4) At the start of every chapter there is a quote from some great historical or literary figure. It just seems like padding that’s unnecessary and, pretty much, pointless.

If the afterlife was a library of books written like this one, I would assume I was in hell.
Hated the way the book belittled people for having sparse human interaction. Hated the way Tina was personally insulting. Hated the way the afterlife was portrayed. And hated the writing style.
Not for me, and I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone.

Death is not The End.

God, I sure hope it is.

Villain Rating

I have no idea who the villain for this book is. I don’t think I got that far. I guess the weird the office lady who starts yelling at Tina from the beginning could feasibly the baddie, but I just don’t know.

Honestly, if I had my way I would make this entire book the villain, but as that’s not something I can do, I guess I’ll just have to leave this section a mystery. If you do manage to read this book and find out who the baddie is, let me know what they’re like! 0/10

Happy Reading,

Claire